Women experiencing painful sex don’t simply need to “deal with it” or “relax”. If it hurts, it’s because something is wrong. Aside from the terribly common problem of not taking the time needed before penetration, another possibility for painful sex can be vaginismus.
Because social taboos limit discussion surrounding female sexuality, vaginismus is under reported and undiagnosed. In the US, for example, the data from clinical settings show there’s a range from 5-17% of women with vaginismus. It is likely much higher than that.
Vaginismus is a condition where pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vaginal opening have involuntary muscle tension, making penetration (with finger, tampon, toy, or penis) painful or impossible. It can be a reaction to psychological fear or muscle spasms, but other physical kinds of factors can be at play here, such as menopause or childbirth trauma.
Primary vaginismus is when penetration has always been painful; secondary vaginismus is when penetration didn’t used to be painful but now is. Common misconceptions about vaginismus are that it’s purely psychological or that it’s easily overcome with relaxation techniques. In reality, vaginismus is a complex condition with potential physical, emotional, and psychological components that require a specialized approach.
Vaginismus is curable and you can address it from the privacy of your own home. I offer online vaginismus sessions that include sex education, internal sensory development, and relational skills among other things.
While typical vaginismus treatments consist of mechanical exercises, stretches, and a muscular pelvic floor oriented approach, I use a sensory-based holistic one where pleasure is priority. This is because women with vaginismus are often terribly hard on themselves.
When the pace or external pressure feels too demanding, an almost unconscious resistance to progress can be triggered. It’s important to circumvent this pattern by working from a different angle, helping you access and develop the pleasure that’s possible inside, underneath the muscular level. When vaginismus is treated with this kind of focus, relaxation and trust begins to open up.
I typically offer a series of 6-8 sessions as a cluster, where we explore your detailed history and what you’ve tried up to this point. I guide you through slow internal body awareness, relaxation, and exploratory self-touch during each zoom session. Then I assign pleasure practice homework that will help you listen and learn more about your body’s signals and old stories.
As you begin to trust yourself through increased listening, we’ll add organic insertion elements, with breathwork and sensory attention. If you wish, you have the option of inviting a partner to join you on a later zoom call so there’s an opportunity to discuss, ask questions, and be supported fully around any shared issues.
The first online session is 90-minutes at €132, then €88 per 60 minutes, or €99 per 75 minutes thereafter. If we need more than six sessions, I apply a discount for the remaining sessions.
Please find my online calendar here for scheduling sessions. I advise a free discovery call first so we can determine whether this approach is the right direction for you.
Vaginismus can usually be treated within 6-8 sessions. It’s important to go at a relaxed pace so you can develop the trust you need to feel safe. We may uncover some very wise internal messages that you’ve never listened to before. This is about respecting the body fully.
These sessions are primarily for you, whether or not you have a partner. Learning about what you need to feel safe starts with your own discoveries around self-touch and pleasure. If you have a partner who you feel is supportive of your process and could benefit from talking with both of us during a zoom call, they are most welcome. The information and practice can be absorbed quite differently through a three-way call.
Online sessions are actually one of the best things to have emerged from the Covid era. In online sessions, we can speak face to face, and during exercises, I can guide you either on or off camera as you wish. You get to choose the level of privacy or direct guidance that feels most comfortable for you.
Disclaimer: Sex and intimacy coaching is not psychotherapy. I’m not a licensed social worker or marriage and family therapist so I offer neither therapy, psychotherapy, or medical advice.
© 2025 – Dr. Liz Ray
